Mark is this guy that I worked with. He is 10 or 12 years younger than me. I had a crush on Mark for three months - at least. For most of the time I was content with it being a crush. “He’s too young”, I would say, or “I just want to fool around with him, nothing serious”, or “He just keeps me com­pany”... I rather enjoyed our little game of cat and mouse. It made me feel like I was dating someone without the messy sex or emotional attach­ment.

Things changed.

Soon, I wasn’t able to get him out of my head. I was worried that I was becoming to attached, so I stopped inviting him to hang out. Then he started calling me. We would have these wonderful get-togethers that felt just like romantic dates but when I would flirt or ‘make a move’ his body language would say, “stop!” so I would come home slightly confused about our relationship. Were we just friends? Eventually, I started to see Mark as another version of myself - sort of strange and confused and silly - usually misunderstood and somewhat feared by others. That’s when I started to fall for him, I guess. I saw him as a puzzle that I wanted to figure out. He was a challenge. My emotions intensified. I decided that I had to talk to him about these feelings that were being stirred up. But I couldn’t let that cat out of the bag. Last Wednesday I arranged for a lovely evening at a restaurant in a skyscraper with a wonderful view of Chicago and we had the nicest time…but I was too chicken to say anything.

My heart was pounding! It was consuming me; these feelings and I had to discuss it with him. Then yesterday we had tea and played backgammonand I thought for sure I would bring it up, but, alas, I could not. Today, at lunch, I took him to the the giant Ferris wheel at Navy Pier. It was a spontaneous and inspired poetic gesture. I had this romantic notion that I had to tell him how I felt in an environment that was suitable to the momentous occasion: I was actually developing feelings for - desiring - another man. Finally, after all these years. But again, even on the Ferris Wheel, I couldn’t spill the beans. He kept jabbering on and his body language said, ‘don’t go there’.

This was the case, as I mentioned, on previous occasions, too. On night after work we got a cup of tea and I came right out with it (which was so hard, by the way). I said, “ I question my motivation for spending time with you”. He asked what I meant and I just let it all go. I told him that I had feelings for him and I had to know if he felt the same. He confessed that he could tell this was on my mind and he kept avoiding situations where he knew I wanted to kiss him (Oh my god! I wasn’t imaging it - I thought I was hallucinating his evasion). I asked him why? What did he feel? He was very evasive again. We talked for 20 minutes and he said he was NOT interested in me. He did NOT want to have a relationship. But yet he sounded very uncertain – like all the time he said ‘no’ his voice lilted upward as if he was asking a question. I tried to sum up: ‘So, Mark, what you are trying to say is that there is no chance for our relationship to become a romantic one - that we will remain only friends?” He agreed to this. Solidly.

Then a few minutes later he squirmed and said he didn’t feel comfortable closing the book like that. I tried to convey that I’m entertaining thoughts and ideas and I need to know if I should fuel them or put them to rest. He excused himself to go to the restroom. When he came back he said, “Can we just keep things how they were before we talked about all this?” We had a little discussion about how exciting it is for him not to know for sure - the thrill of the uncertain. He made some analogy to ‘Sex and the City’ and how he knew he would regret that he said ‘no’ when he maybe meant ‘yes’. He wanted me to pretend like we never talked about my feelings. Against my better judgment and despite my hatred of ambiguity, I sort of agreed (you have to understand that I want him - I want to possess him, consume him - physically and emotionally). Then I said that we had to talk about this again and that, next time, I was going to make him a little sock puppet so that he could express his feelings better.

I hate this. I hate the limbo. I’m too much of a control freak to just sit and wait for something to happen - or NOT happen. That doesn’t fit within my psychological circuitry. It also makes me feel like I invited him to a party and he said “maybe I’ll go with you, if nothing better turns up”. I hate feeling like I’m just sitting around waiting for him to make up his mind. It makes me feel weak and powerless. He’s not a manipulator - I don’t think, anyway. He’s not cunning, you know? Yet I can’t help but wonder if he was clever enough to realize that if I wasn’t going to get a romantic relationship I was going to cut it off (slowly and politely, but I would). I’m not going to continue hanging around with someone who I want but who doesn’t want me - that’s masochistic! I can’t help but wonder if he kept things ‘open’ at that time just to keep me around - knowing I’d hit the road if there wasn’t anything in it for me.

I DON’T think that’s the case, though. I think he was just confused and really really inexperienced. I think. I think he, like me, was hoping that something would evolve between us, without words. I just couldn’t handle the evolutionary approach. But I guess that’s where we are again. When he was saying the words, “I just want to be friends”. I could hear the sub­text. I could hear the sabotage. I could hear it as clear as the sabotage that occurs in my own head every moment of every day. I just don’t listen to my sabotage anymore. But it’s still there. It’ll always be there. And I could hear it in his voice: “don’t let yourself have this - it could be great, but it will cause shit to happen - bad shit will happen - stop it now. Stop now!” I hear that voice in my own head. I told him so. I said: “ There’s a voice in my head telling me that we shouldn’t be together”. But I also said: “and I am choosing to ignore that voice because there’s another one - there’s one in my heart that says I should be with you.” I asked him: “do you feel anything for me? Are you attracted to me?” He was evasive. He didn’t answer right away. But in another part of the conversation he mentioned being attracted to me. His words said ‘no’ but his tone said ‘maybe’. Then he actually said ‘maybe’ and that’s how it ended. We hugged really hard and it was over.

I hate this middle ground. I wanted him to say “ME TOO!” I wanted him to thank me for bringing it up because he was too nervous, but, YES, he, too, had feelings for me and then we would kiss and smile and look forward to tomorrow.
But that didn’t happen.
He’s not my Hero. I don’t think I can hold out for him.
I think I have to listen to the saboteurs in my head and just let him go - for my sanity - for my safety.
Why did I have to peek into that black box again? I know what I put in there. I know why I put it there. Now some emotions got out and no one is safe. Especially me.
Fuck.

One week later I asked him where we were at – where we stood in our relationship. He asked me why our relationship needed to change – he asked what the difference was between what we had and what I wanted us to have. I admitted that lovers usually have a physical relation­ship. He said that that would never happen – that he didn’t feel that way about me. I told him that the physical part wasn’t important to me. He said that he was afraid to tell me that he wasn’t interested in me romantically because he was worried that I wouldn’t spend time with him anymore. I told him he was right. I told him I was hurt that he kept me around for so long, knowing that I was interested in him, just because he was lonely and wanted my company and attention. I told him I never wanted to see him again. I told him not to speak to me at work. I told him he was missing out on a really good thing.He cried. I didn’t. We hugged. It felt like a break-up. The emotional pain was intense. Being refused stung so badly. I’m still not fully mended. I’ve had such bad luck in love. So many men in my life who have treated me poorly. I wasn’t going to let another one walk all over me. As much as it hurt to let him go, I had to do it. If I didn’t take a stand right there and then, I would waste a year of my life in a totally one sided relationship and hating myself for it. I’ve seen it happen to my friends. I’ve seen it happen to me. But I’m different, now. I’m older, wiser, stronger…And I’m not going to let any man make me feel weak or powerless ever again. Even if I spend the rest of my life alone. Which may very well happen…

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