The only shining light to the beginning of each day I went to High School was that I got to see J. I made every effort I could to sit next to J in every class and I was lucky that J was in almost all my classes. Each time I saw J the day got brighter and each time I touched J my heart leapt. I had never felt this way about another person in my entire young life.

When I was 13 Computer Science was my favourite class as we had to choose one computer for the whole year and have the same partner; my partner was J. I looked forward to that class all week every week. I’d have a hard on the whole hour of Computer Science, my leg never left the side of his leg, the sweat would build up and when our legs did part they made that sucking sound, and I won’t go into details about what an hour long erection does to your underwear.

We didn’t socialise outside of the class room as he was considered to be one of the nerdy types from a heavily religious family and I was a punkish heavy metaller from out in the sticks; a farm boy. He was dark haired part Maori with dark deep eyes but never had a girlfriend; I was tall for my age, blonde hair and blue eyes and always had girls wanting me but never had a girlfriend. I smoked cigarettes and pot every day I went to high school. In class he would ask me the hard questions to do with what ever it was we were learning and I always had the answers for him. How I knew so much is still a mystery to me. I guess if I wasn’t stoned all the time I would have been an A grade student instead of B grade.

As each year went past my feelings for him grew and the conflicts I had in my head got worse.

One day in PE when I was about 15 he jumped onto my back for no apparent reason and clung to me… I was in heaven for what seemed like an eternity but was only three seconds at the most. Five minutes later he was sitting on some steps crying. I didn’t know what he was crying about. He looked me in the eye I looked at him and turned away. I didn’t know what to do so I did nothing…

I repressed every feeling I had for him and any sexual feelings I had at all. Out of repression comes obsession.

I have made several half hearted attempts to contact him over the past 15 years but have never followed up. I’m still not brave enough. I heard he had a daughter but the mother had left him and he was bringing her up by himself. She left him; he is still by himself! I wonder if he is gay. Would I still feel the same way I did then? Would he remember me? I never, and still don’t know how J felt about me as I never asked him. I never had the courage to say a thing about my feelings to him. I never asked him to even be my friend. I never made that step of breaking down the wall of self preservation I had built around myself. I never said to "J, I love you".

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